I’ve always been curious about what might happen if a vegan and a carnivore—the two most passionately insufferable dietary preachers—found out about each other’s food choices in some random bar. Would they start a heated debate until one screams “MAGA!” and the other fires back “Black Lives Matter!”? Would reality itself collapse from the sheer force of their argument? Hard to say, but let’s not dwell too long on that.

Right now, I want to talk about the questionable tactics both groups seem to adore. Vegans have had a head start planting moral flags on social media, so they can go first. They’ll tell you eating animals is an unpardonable sin, yet conveniently ignore all the critters squashed in crop harvesting. You’ll also see them tout their “compassion for all living beings,” while staying silent on the environmental cost of importing exotic fruits all year round.

The best part is how they shout, “You can’t love animals if you eat them.” Funny, because I love my dog, and I also love my family. I’m probably not going to grill my pet cow for dinner, but I have zero issue enjoying a burger from a random cow. It’s almost like humans (and most creatures) care more about what’s close to them.

One popular scare tactic is claiming milk is full of pus cells, which is technically a reference to somatic cells that include white blood cells. That doesn’t mean you’re sipping an infection. But hey, why let actual facts spoil a delicious horror story?

I could bring up cases where extreme vegan diets led to children’s health issues, but that wouldn’t be fair, since plenty of parents let their kids guzzle junk food and soda. Malnutrition isn’t limited to one dietary camp. So let’s pivot to the carnivores who seem to think a diet of butter and steak on repeat will magically cure everything. Because what’s balanced about ignoring every basic tenet of nutritional science in favor of pure saturated fat?

These folks like to trot out gems such as, “If you can’t pronounce it, don’t eat it,” which might just mean they skipped too many English lessons. There’s even a carnivore influencer who proudly sports off-the-charts cholesterol levels yet insists everything’s peachy. No instant health meltdown must mean it’s safe, right?

They’ll argue we need cholesterol for hormones, which is true—but only in reasonable amounts. We also need sunlight, but that doesn’t mean you should roast yourself in a desert. Meanwhile, a steady diet of red meat has been linked to higher risk of heart disease, which is something actual research has backed up time and again.

In my “humble” opinion, the carnivores might actually be more reckless, particularly when they spout nonsense about how their dangerously high cholesterol is “optimal.” Then again, the vegan approach isn’t free of hypocrisy either. Ultimately, both sides love to throw unsolicited dietary advice around like confetti, and it’s about as welcome as a telemarketer during dinner.

Life’s too short to worry about what someone else puts on their plate. If a vegan and a carnivore ever do meet at a bar, maybe they’ll bond over ethically sourced cocktails—or maybe they’ll just bicker about which one is more morally or nutritionally superior. Either way, it’s best observed from a safe distance, ideally while you enjoy whatever meal makes you happy, without lecturing everyone else in the process.

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