A Vegan and a Carnivore Walk Into a Bar…
I've always wondered what would happen if a vegan and a carnivore—the two most fervent (irritating) dietary preachers on the planet—walked into a bar and discovered each other's food preferences.
Would the universe implode?
Considering their divide isn't just about what's on their plates but also spans the political spectrum, they'd probably argue until one starts yelling "MAGA!" and the other counters with "Black Lives Matter!"
But let's not get sidetracked.
Today, I'm here to talk about the questionable advice and shameless tactics both groups love to employ.
Who should we start with?
Well, since vegans have been planting their moral flags on social media for longer, let's kick things off with them.
Vegan activists can be some of the most passionately hypocritical people around.
Eating animals? Unforgivable.
Accidentally killing animals during crop harvesting? Let's sweep that under the organic rug. Yes, I’m talking about you, PETA.
Ignoring the environmental impact of importing exotic fruits year-round? Silence.
You'll often see them proclaiming, "You can't say you love animals if you eat them."
Well, I love my dog. I also love my family.
I probably wouldn't eat a pet cow, but I'm perfectly fine enjoying a burger from a cow I've never met.
It's almost as if humans and all other species tend to care more about things close to them—who would've thought?
One of my favorite scare tactic is the claim that milk contains pus cells. Technically, they're referring to somatic cells, which include white blood cells. It doesn't mean you're sipping on a glass of “liquor puris”, aka, an infection.
But why let facts ruin a perfectly good horror story?
I could delve into cases where extreme vegan diets have led to health issues in children, but that wouldn't be entirely fair. After all, plenty of parents let their kids subsist on fast food and sugary drinks.
Malnutrition isn't exclusive to any one diet.
Now, let's turn our attention to the carnivores—the latest fad diet enthusiasts.
They argue that consuming butter and steak three times a day will make you healthier and help you lose weight.
Because nothing says "balanced diet" like clogging your arteries with saturated fat.
Who needs "calories in versus calories out" when you can just ignore basic nutritional science and physics?
You'll also hear gems like, "If you can't pronounce the ingredients, don't eat it."
Well, perhaps it's not that the ingredients are harmful—maybe you just needed to pay better attention to English and Science classes.
Although, considering the demographics of this group, you were probably home schooled in the most remote parts of Alabama… which would explain everything.
There's a prominent carnivore influencer who proudly shares her bloodwork showing alarmingly high cholesterol levels but insists she feels fantastic.
No immediate consequences? Must mean it's healthy!
Give it a decade, and let's see how that heart's holding up. I mean, dozens of years of research in this subject is surely wrong, right?
"But we need cholesterol for hormones," they proclaim.
Yes, in reasonable amounts.
We also need sunlight for Vitamin D and water for, well everything, but that doesn't mean you should roast yourself in the Sahara and then drink an entire pool of water.
I realize I might be going harder on the carnivores here.
Perhaps that's because vegans often appeal to your sense of compassion—annoying but less misleading—while some carnivore enthusiasts spout dubious "facts" with unearned confidence.
So, who's worse?
In my “humble” opinion, probably (definitely) the carnivores.
Especially since some who've followed the diet long-term have reported serious health issues like immune disease, liver problems, kidney problems, and cardiovascular disease.
Surprising? Not really.
According to a 2020 study in the Journal of the American College of Cardiology, diets high in red and processed meats are linked to increased risk of heart disease and early death.
But who needs this when you have social media echo chambers and influencers making money off your clicks and comments?
At the end of the day, whether you're munching on kale or devouring a ribeye, perhaps we can all agree on one thing: unsolicited dietary advice is about as welcome as a telemarketer's call during dinner.
Life's too short to argue over what's on someone else's plate.
So, the point?
Eat whatever you like, but maybe leave the nutrition advice to the experts.
And if a vegan and a carnivore do walk into a bar, perhaps they'll find common ground over a drink—assuming it's ethically sourced, organic, and grass fed, of course.
Or maybe they'll just argue over who ordered the more morally superior cocktail.
Either way, it's a spectacle best observed from a safe distance.
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