I’ve been a gamer my entire life, and I’ve seen all kinds of trends, from the pixelated days of the NES to the cinematic realism of modern consoles. But there’s a new species that’s found its way into every comment section and gaming forum, and they’re louder than a squad of shrieking toddlers before naptime. I call them the antiwoke children. They’re the ones who believe the greatest threat to gaming is any whiff of representation that extends beyond heterosexual male leads.

But who are these antiwoke children, exactly? Honestly, it’s almost impossible to define them because they can’t define themselves. They’ll hiss the word “woke” at anything that doesn’t center around a straight, muscular dude holding a giant gun. Once you spot them, you’ll know: they’re the ones losing their minds over a game’s Black samurai or a strong female protagonist.

It’s like they have a spidey sense for “woke.” Gay character in a fantasy RPG? Woke. Female lead in a shooter? Double woke. A historically accurate retainer who just happens to be Black (in a fantasy setting)? Wokity woke. You’d think they were being forced to play these games at gunpoint, given how much they complain about them.

There’s a whole world out there—go adopt a hamster, learn to knit, or build a miniature city out of bottle caps. The amount of energy these people pour into whining about games they won’t even play is almost commendable. Meanwhile, the rest of us are actually, you know, enjoying video games.

I can’t pinpoint the exact moment this trend started, but I first caught a whiff of it when everyone lost their collective mind over Horizon and The Last of Us Part II. Apparently, Aloy being gay and Abby having muscles were criminal offenses to the antiwoke crowd. Because, heaven forbid, a post-apocalyptic survivor might decide to lift a few weights and not look like Barbie.

More recently, they’ve latched onto anything with a whiff of inclusion. GTA 6 showing black people on a Miami-inspired beach? Wokey wokey. Ciri, a female lead who aged a bit since the last game and will now be the lead character for The Witcher 4? W O K E. It’s as though being anything other than a carbon copy of PS3-era Kratos is a personal attack on their identity. News flash: you can still play as Kratos in his own games.

Sometimes, I wonder if it’s all one massive troll operation, like a new method of performance art. The way they spout off about “forced diversity” (whatever that even means) feels so exaggerated, it’s almost satirical. Then I remember: people have an incredible capacity for taking themselves far too seriously, and some folks truly believe that one LGBTQ+ side character ruins an entire series.

Remember when people freaked out because Samus turned out to be a woman? I don’t. But I do remember when folks lost it over a woman and a black lead in Star Wars. It’s almost as if the young version of themselves was the superior version. These antiwoke children have turned whining into an art form of self-righteous tantrums. It’d be impressive if it wasn’t so painfully repetitive.

If you hate the state of gaming so much, go create your own. Code your ideal “No Woke Allowed” adventure, where every protagonist is a straight, macho hero who crushes anything vaguely inclusive. Or maybe just hush and play something else. Not every game is for you, my child. At the end of the day, none of us need your endless complaining while we’re trying to commit the “offensive” act of having two pixelated characters without breasts kiss each other.

In the end, gaming is supposed to be fun, a form of escapism where we can try on new roles and explore different perspectives. If that offends you, maybe you’re the one who’s overly sensitive. So please, take your “woke” accusations and brand them on something else—like a coloring book, perhaps. The rest of us have games to play, and we’d rather do it without hearing you screech.

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