The Absolute Definition of “Woke”
I must confess, the first time I heard “woke” thrown around with the fury of a thousand suns was during the hullabaloo over Disney’s casting for the new *Little Mermaid* movie. Oh, the horror, the absolute audacity of making a fictional character black! “Woke,” in that context, seemed to denote the audacious act of adding a pinch of melanin to our beloved, historically accurate aquatic cartoon characters in their live-action debut. This groundbreaking definition had me reeling: was *woke* merely Hollywood’s newest shade of foundation?
But oh, the plot developed faster than a conspiracy theorist’s binder of “evidence.” Ever since that revelatory day, I’ve been christened “woke” by a fascinatingly homogeneous group of gentlemen. You know them, the guys with the truck profile pictures donning sunglasses that scream “I listen to country music but only the songs about beer and trucks.” Despite their varied names, they all seem to share the same wardrobe and opinions. Stranger still, I’ve been dubbed a “right-winged troll” by the other guys on the spectrum. It’s a conundrum wrapped in an enigma, sprinkled with a bit of irony.
The saga continued on the hallowed grounds of Facebook, where I, a humble servant of science, dared to wade into the murky waters of Christian pages. There, I encountered Matt “putty lips” Walsh, a man seemingly on a mission to minimize mental illness with the finesse of a sledgehammer. My attempt to introduce a sprinkle of scientific literature was met with a chorus of “woke!” from his adoring fans. It seems like “woke” now means advocating for mental health awareness? My dictionary must be outdated.
Then there was the Miss Japan debacle. Heaven forbid someone of Ukrainian descent, but still a Japanese citizen, wins Miss Japan. The cries of “half blood” and “pure breed” ricocheted off the walls of old asian and white men… ahem, I meant, ignorance, and when I dared suggest that maybe — just maybe — this rhetoric was a tad racist, the “woke” accusations rained down once more. It appears that “woke” is also synonymous with challenging internet racists on their outdated notions of purity. My, how versatile this term is!
Last time I was called “woke” on Facebook was by, you guessed it, another white dude weating dark shades inside his truck. Let’s call him “Chuck”. Upon inquiring why Chuck was unleashing his fury on a complete stranger who had the audacity to say that he had fun in college and now enjoys a successful career, I was immediately branded “woke” by Chuck. It seems questioning someone’s baseless anger is yet another feather in the cap of wokeness.
After this whirlwind tour of “woke” accusations, I’ve come to a startling conclusion: “woke” has no concrete meaning. It’s the Swiss Army knife of slurs for the modern fundamentalist, the catch-all term for anything remotely progressive or simply not aligning with their worldview. It’s “libtard’s” less overtly offensive cousin, used when the speaker wants to seem hip to the internet lingo but is really just clinging to a vague notion of disapproval.
So, what have we learned? That “woke” is less a word and more a mirror, reflecting the insecurities and confusions of those who wield it. And perhaps, just perhaps, it’s time we retire it to the annals of internet slang history, alongside “on fleek” and “YOLO.” Because, let’s be real, if “woke” means being aware, empathetic, and open-minded, then I’ll wear that badge with honor. But let’s not give Chuck and his cohorts the satisfaction of thinking they’ve coined a term that does anything but expose their own narrow-mindedness.
