The Absolute Definition of “Woke”
I must confess, the first time I heard “woke” thrown around with the fury of a thousand suns was during the Disney Little Mermaid casting drama.
Oh, the horror. The absolute audacity of making a fictional character black!
Apparently, “woke” meant having the guts to sprinkle some melanin on our precious, historically accurate aquatic cartoon characters. This groundbreaking definition had me thinking: was woke just Hollywood’s latest shade of foundation?
Things escalated faster than a conspiracy theorist could whip up a folder of "evidence." Ever since that fateful day, I’ve been labeled “woke” by a suspiciously homogeneous group of dudes. You know the type — truck profile picture, sunglasses, and the deep love of country music (but only the ones about beer and trucks, naturally).
Despite their varied names, they somehow all shop at the same store and share the same half-baked opinions. Strangely enough, I’ve also been called a “right-wing troll” by the opposite end of the spectrum.
It’s like I’m living in a political Twilight Zone, and the irony is delicious.
The saga continued on Facebook (because where else?), where I, a humble servant of science, dared to wade into the dark waters of Christian pages. That’s where I met Matt “putty lips” Walsh, a man on a mission to downplay mental illness with all the grace of a sledgehammer.
I dared to sprinkle in some scientific facts — just a light dusting — and was instantly met with the rallying cry of “woke!” from his fan club.
Apparently, advocating for mental health awareness now makes you woke?
Looks like I need to update my dictionary.
Then, there was the Miss Japan situation. God forbid someone of Ukrainian descent (but still a Japanese citizen) wins the title of Miss Japan. Cue the cries of “half-blood” and “pure-breed” from old white and Asian men clutching their pearls of ignorance.
And when I dared to suggest that maybe — just maybe — that rhetoric was a tad racist, the “woke” accusations rained down again.
It appears that “woke” is also synonymous with challenging internet racists on their outdated notions of purity. My, how versatile this term is!
The last time I got called “woke” was by — surprise surprise — another white dude, wearing dark shades inside the truck. Let’s call him Chuck.
Chuck decided to unleash his fury on a stranger who mentioned they enjoyed college and now have a successful career. Naturally, I asked why Chuck was losing his mind over someone’s happiness. His response?
“Woke.”
Oh boy.
Apparently, questioning someone’s baseless anger is yet another hallmark of wokeness. Who knew?
After this whirlwind tour of “woke” accusations, I’ve come to a startling conclusion: “woke” has no concrete meaning. It’s the Swiss Army knife of slurs for the modern fundamentalist, the catch-all term for anything remotely progressive or simply not aligned with their worldview.
It’s “libtard’s” less overtly offensive but more versatile cousin — used when people want to feel hip with internet lingo but are really just grasping at vague disapproval.
So, what have we learned?
That “woke” is less a word and more a mirror, reflecting the insecurities and confusions of those who wield it. And perhaps, just perhaps, it’s time we retire it to the annals of internet slang history, alongside “yeet” and “YOLO.”
Because, let’s be real — if “woke” means being aware, empathetic, and open-minded, then I’ll proudly wear that badge.
But let’s not give Chuck and his truck buddies the satisfaction of thinking they’ve coined a term that does anything but highlight their own narrow-mindedness.
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